mistakes

life seems drab and depressing hopelessly meaningless, all the things that ive done and how hard ive tried doing it and now i realized that it didnt mean a thing,,, whatta drag!!! life aint fair,, why is it always have to be me?? IM WORN OUT!!! i dot have anything more to give,, i hate the past years.. it seems so meaningless now... i want to forget it all... im hurting like hell right now... This feeling is bugging me big time.. soo depressed...so emo...

think about this:

When we feel wronged, we immediately look to the other for blame. We perceive ourselves as victims. When wronged by those we love, we seem to devalue years of relationship- a relationship that may have brought us many joys and which required much intellectual and emotional energy to have lasted so long. Still with a single harsh statement, a thoughtless act, an unfeeling criticism, we are capable of destroying even the closest of our relationship. We quickly forget..

resolution

STARTING TODAY, I WILL...

* ... love myself the way I want to be loved. The manner in
which I treat myself sets the tone for how men will treat
me, so I will respect myself, believe in my worth, and take
pride in my unique beauty - both inside and out!


* I will see the world as full of possibilities and live each
day believing that I could meet a special man at any time,
in any place. The openness I feel within my heart to meet
someone wonderful will transcend to my outward appearance;
I will smile, laugh, and be just as friendly and approachable
in the grocery store, in line at the bank, and while walking
my dog down the street on a Tuesday morning as I am at a
party on a Friday night.


* I will strive to complete MYSELF. This means pursuing my
career or passion, spending time with my family, and enjoying
an active social life. When I am happy with my life and
feeling fulfilled I am not expecting a man to complete me.
This confidence and contentment is the antidote to neediness
and will attract healthy, quality men who want to be a part
of my fabulous life!


* I will choose NOT to engage in the emotional turmoil of an
unhealthy relationship and instead only give my heart to a man
who is truly WORTHY of me.


* I will HAVE FUN and remember that dating is to be enjoyed,
not agonized over! If I'm stressing more than I'm having a
good time, I will move on and find someone who fits with my
#1 resolution... to make MY happiness a bigger priority!

broken inside

your right, i cant make up for the mistakes that i have done, i cant take back what i said or make up for what i failed to do. this feels wrong, not just because it hurts but because we are making a mistake. i am miserable, i am in pain, i am alone. i am sitting here crying, i dont care if they see me. let them wonder what is wrong. i dont care anymore. too many times i failed you, i failed the love that we sowed i failed your trust. i failed us. i cant fix the mistakes that i have done. i am punished by them day in and day out.

your words cut me right to marrow, its hard to hear them when i know that they are true. its hard to face your mistakes. they are painful to hear, i can hear the scorn and the bitterness in your voice when you speak. dont hide your pain away. why do that? what good does it do you? why do you need to put on a mask and make like it doesnt hurt. why do that? just admitt that it does. let others see that it hurts.

i want to run away too just go somewhere alone, but the grief will be with me, inside of me still it will haunt me where ever i go, just walking away from here wont make it stop, it will hurt where ever i am.

alone

I kept a blog years ago, and it seemed to really help me. I don't care about people reading what I am thinking or anything to that affect but, instead it is a release to me. So all this is, is me writing releasing and feeling better having something in writing.


here it goes again: :(

why do i feel so alone? all these people around me who care, who i can talk to and yet i feel so alone. i try to talk to people but everytime i do i just feel so hopeless like no matter what i say they wont understand. and i really dont want to worry people with my insignificant feelings. its not like its a big deal how i feel right now. i wish i could just find someone who could understand. but everyone is so busy and has so much to do. i dont think they have time to deal with me. im just tired of feeling alone. i wish i didnt anymore and i wish someone understood how i feel. not pretend to or try to but actually just understand. just like that. id apologize for all the blog entries posted today but i doubt anyone is reading them so i wont waste my time. i like my new life up here dont get me wrong. but i just cant help but feel as though something is missing. cant quite put my finger on it. im done with this tonight tho. time to have a drink and put on a movie so i can drown myself in someone else's problems.

paralyzed

Ill take the hint after u take this note into consideration. I cant tell u I love u anymore, not because I dont but because I love u so much that words wont do. But Ill just keep my mouth shut and my eyes shut tighter in the hope that when I force them open it is a dream and all the "I love u"s and "plz be mine"s that have built up over time r welcome to ur ears. This is what I get for letting my heart win over and over again, every time I see u I fall in love again and as much as I hate it I look forward to seein u again every time we part. These words that u hear with ur eyes that sit right in front of u r no good, they r fake, but only because they r not good enough at explaining how much I feel for u. This is my last stand, as I stand up and let u point the gun at my heart, if u want to pull the trigger I am not goin to try and stop u, but if not then plz let me know because not knowing what is goin on is killin me in itself. U seem to say one thing to me and then act out another, like u r lying to me. Am I out of the picture or is it fading? I wanted to be the one that u could love, I wanted to be the one to lead u around that floor. It broke my heart again but thats ok, my heart is so used to bein broken now that I didnt die, it didnt stop it just cried. Maybe, just MAYBE u will get this and see what I mean and I am talking about, but u wont...u will never. Nobody will ever know that this is for u. I may aswell give up any hope that anyone will help this reach ur eyes. So there is only one thing left to say...

You probably think I am an bitch. Well, it is true, I am an bitch. I don't however mean to hurt you by doing so. I do it because I can't fight it. I am a selfish bitch and won't ever be able to make you as happy as you deserve. Because of that, I want you to completely forget me. I know you won't, because I know I have hurt you so, but I only hope you will have a person in your life many times better than I ever was. I also know that that is definitely possible. I always will love you, even if I make you hate me.

The only thing I know is that I will always love you, that I will always want you to be happy, that I am unbelievably sorry for all the pain I have (and if I continue to) cause you pain and how difficult I have made your life. You will always have a special place in my heart, no matter how my life turns out.

break free

Take a chance, I dare you to break free and never look back, just live life longed for long instead of longing for a life to live or lead. This hurts me more then I will let on even with the pleasure I get in knowing that you have no chance of getting back at me from where you sit, so as I fall into pieces fall to your knees and scream anything worth screaming at the stars that we both see from where we are. Don’t fall or crawl to me, its been to long since Iv heard you scream. So scream me a lullaby in the form of a “love” song using the words “I give up”, “You win” and “I cant breath” as I become the last person you will ever see. Tongue-tied and tired with terrified eyes, you have never looked better, if it means taking you down I am willing to go down with you, just as long as you can never get up. Please fire back I want a war because I know when it comes to words I will win. So take this as just a little slap on the cheek because next time it will be a bullet to the heart in the form of words now its up to you, Iv done my part.

so called SOULMATE! ~__~

Anyone can sound terrific online.Sure why not?You cant see,hear or feel any emotion.Beside's you can get comfy in your own surroundings.Gee, this is great I can sit here and get emotionally involved with words on a screen.BRILLIANT! Why didn't I do this sooner?I can have my cake and eat it too.Of course that inst what you are telling yourself.You like feeling admired and appreciated by those words.You cant wait to get home and check your email so you can have that warm fuzzy feeling.This person understands me,they know the real me.Thats what you tell yourself.Works for awhile im sure."Why don't we take this to the next level(another much used phrase)and talk on the phone."Sure! sounds great!They only live on the other side of the country or another country altogether.Wow! sounding better isnt it?Makes you want to try it.Then comes the expense of the phone calls.Frequent at first,then daily or many times daily.You suffer at work due to lack of sleep.You avoid friends and family,lets face it you dont have the time.It is a lot of work to wait on those phone calls,another full time job.Your way of living suffers,you start looking sloppy,your surroundings could be falling down around your ears,you dont care.Here comes the "word".....SOULMATE.....this person is my soulmate.Bullshit! you wouldnt know your soulmate if they jumped up and bit you on the ass.It's a word people.Soulmate is used as an expression,just an expression.It makes you sound true and kind,that you can and will withstand any hardship with this person.Bullshit,thats what sums it up, is bullshit.

If you see yourself in this im truly sorry.Im not picking on any one person or persons.Im voicing what I feel and what I've experienced.It's very sad we can all get caught up in the moment.