please try to understand

Ok so its amazing how many ways one person can feel stupid. For instance I was sitting on the computer forever last night trying to figure out how i posted my last entry... got mad a finally gave up for the evening.


now.... ive got a headache. so bear with me if none of this makes any sense.. im trying to remember all the things ive had in my head the past few days... i wish i would have written it down when i thought about it...

I am having difficulty with my depression right now. I dont know what to do. I do not feel like hurting myself or anyone else. I just want to not feel this way. I am so tired all the time. I am almost asleep right now. My eyelids feel very heavy.

damn.. last night.. i told my daughters and son in zwinky that i dont want them to be my babies anymore.. for some reason i cant even explain to them... well... yeah.. i have to do this... for pot.. im still hoping that someday he'll understand, why im like this.. why do i still need to find a medium where i can express my feelings.. why do i still need something that could cheer me up.. ive been so damn depressed for the past 3 years... yeah a major depression... =[

the truth is:

I've thought about something.I want to go back to my therapist. I'm sick of feeling like shit.
I have all these repressed feelings i can't shake.My anxiety feelings have been getting worse.
I don't even know how to get rid of them. I've tried cutting, didn't work. I've tried sleeping pills, didn't work.nothing seems to help me and my depression.

wish i could be angry, cry even, something. anything would be better than this ache, this sense of utter hopelessness, of no sense of direction. i listen to loud music, and for a while it works. i feel nothing, but i dont realize it. and thats good. i lose myself in the sound. forget who i am.but after awhile, it all comes back. cant fill it. getting over the top drunk seems an appealing option, only it isn't- an option i mean. most of the time i'm under a vigilant eye, not able to breathe without a glance my way. and thats the worst of it all. being never on my own, but always always alone. even if i do feel, am not able to give in to the feeling....