damn it

So... I have time to kill... and I want to add that I'm feeling like crap. Say whatever you want. I really don't care. People always try to compare their lives to mine, or say "well thats life," or "Well shit happens." I'm so sick of that. I want more. I want to wake up in the morning smiling, not terrified from a bad dream. I want to live a life with a minimal amount of stress, instead of worrying about my life and everyone else's. I want to live simply. Get a job, make money, try and figure things out. Thats all, but i guess thats just too much to ask. I can't have that and I suppose I should accept it. I can't make it go away. every bad thing haunts me. They refuse to go. Even if I last a whole day without remembering, the memories haunt my dreams. How can I get rid of something that refuses to leave? I have to fight everyday to wake up. To make myself live. I can't stand it. I'm tired of the same old routine. I want something different. Instead I keep getting let down. Something bad has to happen and kill everything i'm trying to work for. Its so easy to want to give up on everything and everyone. Its so simple. No one can really relate with me, no one wants to help, and people who do want to help can't really do anything. Its not their fault... its just not something that they can do. People always tell me that they are there if I need them, but how many people actually call up their friends and family to cry about their hardships? I would feel like an ass if I did that. So I just stay silent for the most part, until something small pushes me over the edge and I go crazy. I loose control of everything and I slip away. I slip into my self destructive mode that will probably kill me one day. Who knows. No one really knows anything. Life wasn't made to be lived like this. If it was, no one would be alive. I'm done. The end.