im not in the mood right now... nothin seems to work out...
my life is a mess.. i dont have friends.. im talking bout the real one....
im dying inside...
i just want to scream out loud... i want to cuss everyone.. i hate them for lying.. i hate them for makin me believe taht everything is okay.. but its not.... i hate them so much...
why dont u trust me... dont i deserve the truth????
damn... do u know what im feeling like right?? i feel like a shit!!!!
just GO.... i can get over this.....
and u... thanks for all... the lies....
Sunday, December 21, 2008
empty life
You left me emptier than you found me and judged me for how I tried fixing what you broke.
You left so sudden that I had no time to prepare my heart. That's why, up to today, I miss you more than I let on. Each day i wonder when my "someday" to free myself from you will come,
if it'll come. If i could, i'd wish you love. I'd wish you'd be happy mind, body, soul. I'd wish you'd smile more and everytime mean it. I'd wish you'd find the her you couldn't find in me.
But I can't
I wish you'd finally realize you miss me too, like wind being knocked out of you. I'd wish you'd remember that I was once what you wanted and said you loved. And even for a few minutes
could feel my unhappiness now. And you're sanity would flee you as it did me.
You left so sudden that I had no time to prepare my heart. That's why, up to today, I miss you more than I let on. Each day i wonder when my "someday" to free myself from you will come,
if it'll come. If i could, i'd wish you love. I'd wish you'd be happy mind, body, soul. I'd wish you'd smile more and everytime mean it. I'd wish you'd find the her you couldn't find in me.
But I can't
I wish you'd finally realize you miss me too, like wind being knocked out of you. I'd wish you'd remember that I was once what you wanted and said you loved. And even for a few minutes
could feel my unhappiness now. And you're sanity would flee you as it did me.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
why do you always makes me feel that im the worst girl on earth... in your every word... u just make me feel that im so miserable.. that.. i cant do anything right.. that im so stupid... worthless and hopeless... you're not even helping me to heal.. you're not...damn..everytime your like that.. why are u so paranoid? im not doing anything wrong..damn shit!!!! will u just please shut up!!! im so annoyed.. im pissed off.. i dont want to explain things to ya anymore.. coz i know u will not even listen.. your ears and eyes are shut...so be it... im not saying this because i dont love u anymore.. its just that.. THINGS ARENT THE WAY THEY USED TO BE!!!!
tell me
So many questions.. I just want to shake you up and tell you that you're making the biggest mistake of your life. You've changed me in so many ways I don't know where or how I became this feeble person that I am today. I was perfectly content with my life, with my self. You came along, and with every kiss and every hug, you took away bits and pieces of me. You held me close and gave me parts of yourself and suddenly you became me and I became you. And we had each other. And we adored each other... How do you expect me to live and enjoy my life when now you're gone and you were every part of my life? tell me
incapable
Trying to move on every which way I can. Finding myself paralyzed and incapable. A pill so hard to swallow. Always staying in your shadow until you were ready to let me into the light, and darker and darker into the abyss I fell. Watching the sun rises and slowly sprinkles flickers of light against the grey sky and I think of you. Watching each raindrop fall, gracefully landing on drowning green leaves only to bounce back into the air, and I think of you. Like a kitten, curious of what's behind closed doors, I wait for you to one day appear in front of mine. I fucking hate you. I fucking love you. I hope you happiness, though secretly longing that your happiness lies with me so that you'd seek me again.
Monday, December 8, 2008
please try to understand
Ok so its amazing how many ways one person can feel stupid. For instance I was sitting on the computer forever last night trying to figure out how i posted my last entry... got mad a finally gave up for the evening.
now.... ive got a headache. so bear with me if none of this makes any sense.. im trying to remember all the things ive had in my head the past few days... i wish i would have written it down when i thought about it...
I am having difficulty with my depression right now. I dont know what to do. I do not feel like hurting myself or anyone else. I just want to not feel this way. I am so tired all the time. I am almost asleep right now. My eyelids feel very heavy.
damn.. last night.. i told my daughters and son in zwinky that i dont want them to be my babies anymore.. for some reason i cant even explain to them... well... yeah.. i have to do this... for pot.. im still hoping that someday he'll understand, why im like this.. why do i still need to find a medium where i can express my feelings.. why do i still need something that could cheer me up.. ive been so damn depressed for the past 3 years... yeah a major depression... =[
the truth is:
I've thought about something.I want to go back to my therapist. I'm sick of feeling like shit.
I have all these repressed feelings i can't shake.My anxiety feelings have been getting worse.
I don't even know how to get rid of them. I've tried cutting, didn't work. I've tried sleeping pills, didn't work.nothing seems to help me and my depression.
wish i could be angry, cry even, something. anything would be better than this ache, this sense of utter hopelessness, of no sense of direction. i listen to loud music, and for a while it works. i feel nothing, but i dont realize it. and thats good. i lose myself in the sound. forget who i am.but after awhile, it all comes back. cant fill it. getting over the top drunk seems an appealing option, only it isn't- an option i mean. most of the time i'm under a vigilant eye, not able to breathe without a glance my way. and thats the worst of it all. being never on my own, but always always alone. even if i do feel, am not able to give in to the feeling....
now.... ive got a headache. so bear with me if none of this makes any sense.. im trying to remember all the things ive had in my head the past few days... i wish i would have written it down when i thought about it...
I am having difficulty with my depression right now. I dont know what to do. I do not feel like hurting myself or anyone else. I just want to not feel this way. I am so tired all the time. I am almost asleep right now. My eyelids feel very heavy.
damn.. last night.. i told my daughters and son in zwinky that i dont want them to be my babies anymore.. for some reason i cant even explain to them... well... yeah.. i have to do this... for pot.. im still hoping that someday he'll understand, why im like this.. why do i still need to find a medium where i can express my feelings.. why do i still need something that could cheer me up.. ive been so damn depressed for the past 3 years... yeah a major depression... =[
the truth is:
I've thought about something.I want to go back to my therapist. I'm sick of feeling like shit.
I have all these repressed feelings i can't shake.My anxiety feelings have been getting worse.
I don't even know how to get rid of them. I've tried cutting, didn't work. I've tried sleeping pills, didn't work.nothing seems to help me and my depression.
wish i could be angry, cry even, something. anything would be better than this ache, this sense of utter hopelessness, of no sense of direction. i listen to loud music, and for a while it works. i feel nothing, but i dont realize it. and thats good. i lose myself in the sound. forget who i am.but after awhile, it all comes back. cant fill it. getting over the top drunk seems an appealing option, only it isn't- an option i mean. most of the time i'm under a vigilant eye, not able to breathe without a glance my way. and thats the worst of it all. being never on my own, but always always alone. even if i do feel, am not able to give in to the feeling....
broken soul
It all starts with a ‘Why’. ‘Why did I love him so much? Why can’t I think of no one but him? Why did he ditch me?......” and the train of thoughts halts where the tears of your eyes have melted into sleep.
Then you get up at some odd hour, realizing your eyelids are heavy. The salt of tears has accumulated over the eyelashes and all. Soon you realize, ‘Why it had to happen?’ and the trail of those thoughts continues.
Then to check the time you grab your cell. And when you hold your cell, you have his snap as the screensaver. You are lost again. Then you browse the inbox. Each and every message belongs to the same sender, him. You start reading them. ‘I love you till Eternity…..’, ‘I wonder what my life would be without you….. I just love you so much’ ….. And there your eyes start pouring again. You wonder, how can someone change so drastically in fractions? How come someone lie so beautifully. Why the hell people play with feelings…. And lots of Why’s follow thereafter…..
Then you realize, life is becoming hell. You just are so very tied up with his thoughts that can’t do anything, just anything. You really need to get out of it, but the more you try, the more you find yourself falling in it. Its hard. Its painful. Its very tearful.
You just don’t feel like talking to anyone, almost no one. You start having fights with your friends. You stop moving out of the house with mascara and nail-paints. You really don’t give a d**n to yourself.
You keep looking into your cell, may be, he will send ya a message.but he doesn’t. You feel like calling him up so hard, but somehow you are pulled back from doing so. You just keep lying, thinking of him. Then you get up, check for his pictures in your laptop. You remember every single moment spent together.
Then you get up at some odd hour, realizing your eyelids are heavy. The salt of tears has accumulated over the eyelashes and all. Soon you realize, ‘Why it had to happen?’ and the trail of those thoughts continues.
Then to check the time you grab your cell. And when you hold your cell, you have his snap as the screensaver. You are lost again. Then you browse the inbox. Each and every message belongs to the same sender, him. You start reading them. ‘I love you till Eternity…..’, ‘I wonder what my life would be without you….. I just love you so much’ ….. And there your eyes start pouring again. You wonder, how can someone change so drastically in fractions? How come someone lie so beautifully. Why the hell people play with feelings…. And lots of Why’s follow thereafter…..
Then you realize, life is becoming hell. You just are so very tied up with his thoughts that can’t do anything, just anything. You really need to get out of it, but the more you try, the more you find yourself falling in it. Its hard. Its painful. Its very tearful.
You just don’t feel like talking to anyone, almost no one. You start having fights with your friends. You stop moving out of the house with mascara and nail-paints. You really don’t give a d**n to yourself.
You keep looking into your cell, may be, he will send ya a message.but he doesn’t. You feel like calling him up so hard, but somehow you are pulled back from doing so. You just keep lying, thinking of him. Then you get up, check for his pictures in your laptop. You remember every single moment spent together.
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